An Evening With My Daughter

My heart broke tonight for my daughter as she cried over her struggles with making friends. She’s only nine, and I had a hard time taking in all that she shared. Her little brother makes it look so easy; he makes friends everywhere he goes, immediately. He gets that from his daddy; my little girl gets this unfortunate part of life from me. The empathy levels are so high because I have been there; I was that tear-filled nine-year-old girl asking why making friends was so hard. It was never easy for me; not at that age. I’m still an incredibly anti-social person, but I’m 35… I’ve had years of stumbles and falls that make it look easy now… to put on a happy face and talk to people. But, it was an incredibly difficult journey; filled with awkward… filled with tears… filled with so much insecurity.

Her tears were going 90 in a 45, though… I had to find words of wisdom to share that would make sense so she could stop and breathe. So, first, we stopped and breathed. That is my number one go-to in life… pause and take in some good air, release some bad air, and then repeat until you can begin to process. Don’t get me wrong, tears are totally acceptable in my house. We are very deep feeling people, but there is a difference between a healthy cry and tears that drain you. She was being drained… I could feel that, and it was awful.

So we took in some deep breaths, held them, and then slowly released it all until we felt slightly better. Then, I offered to listen while she paced herself in explaining her troubles. And I did listen very carefully. I repeated her words so she knew she had been heard and, most importantly, understood. I looked in her nine-year-old eyes and treated her like a person… not a child, but a person. First, we are people… everything else is secondary, and then some. I think we forget that as parents sometimes, and we fail to recognize simple things with simple solutions because we have that, “she/he is just a child” mentality. I’m guilty all of the time for brushing off something my child has said by saying, “kids”… as if that somehow devalues what they just said. I’m trying to value my children’s thoughts a little more every day because they are not just kids… they are people who happen to be children.

After listening, I explained that I understood and I asked her to, in turn, listen to me. I told her I wanted a verbal summary, in her own words, after I finished speaking to make sure she really understood my words. I needed her to understand, and nodding would not suffice. I wasn’t just trying to make her feel better by breathing, listening, and talking; I wanted to be sure these words sunk deep and anchored themselves for the rest of her life.

The bottom line? Never change WHO you are just because of WHERE you are. She never feels like she fits in, but she feels the need to fit in. That sucks; she is an awesome kid.

To my daughter,

I know you want to make friends and be like all of the “fancy girls” (your words) at your school. I know it’s easier to change parts of yourself to try and fit in. They call you a “nerd” because you read books on the playground, they make fun of you because you always do your homework, make really great grades, and behave like a teacher’s dream. You are SO good, you are SO amazing, you are SO talented, and you are SO kind. You play with the kid who nobody else wants to play with knowing they will tease you for it, and you take that book on the playground to help him with his reading skills. You are the best kid these kids have met so far in life. They are being MEAN, and you are kind. They steal your pencils and pull your hair, and you shrug it off every, single, time. You turn the other cheek so much that you can no longer feel your face by the day’s end, and that makes you SO much better than they are, and you STILL want to be their friend. You WILL be understood someday, and you WILL find your people. I promise you that your people are out there. Just because you are not one of those “fancy girls” does not mean you have to try and fit in with them. You keep being YOU because YOU are freaking awesome.

You are already way cooler than I was at that age, kiddo. I know your people are out there. Do what makes you happy, and in doing those things… you find your people. You build friendships on common interests, not zip codes! Just because you are thrown into a classroom with a bunch of awful people does not mean you need to adjust your personality and make friends with them. I KNOW you want friends, but you don’t want those kids as your friends. Those kids are not kind. They are better for knowing you… and one day these tables are going to turn. It is inevitable, baby; they are going to turn. Just be patient with life, stay true to yourself, remember to stop and breathe, and keep moving forward. People can suck at any age in life, and right now you are surrounded by some sucky people. This next school year might be different, though; don’t judge it before it starts. Last year was sucky, but this coming year could be amazing.

I just need to you hang on and keep talking to me. But please, if ever you are in a place and you have to question yourself based on the group surrounding you… don’t. You’ve got a great head on your shoulders, kid… sky’s the freakin’ limit, so just keep going. Stand up tall, and be you… always. I wouldn’t say that if I had any doubts, but you… you’re the best. Don’t let anyone make you doubt yourself. Never change WHO you are based on WHERE you are. Just be YOU… always.

Love you to dwarf planet Pluto and back again, kiddo.

*Mom

 

Hardcore Preschool

My job is not glamorous, and the pressure can definitely get put on in a lot of different ways, but my job is the best and you should be jealous.  My compensation is a bit of alright and I do have to go into each day seriously (with a lot of training and healthy education/experience under my belt), but those are a given at most jobs.  In this job, I get paid to have fun, however.  I mean, seriously… I feel like as a teacher we get away with a lot.  As teachers of such young minds in such a creative place, we get to feel like rulers in this amazing kingdom of our creation.  We explore the world with tiny people who have never seen so many things before.  I get to open eyes every day and watch these kids just absorb so much.  Sure, I  am teaching a lot of very basic things to children in the scheme of things, but I am also like a magician to these kids…or a superhero.  I blow their tiny minds so often and see pure joy leap across their faces, and it is beautiful.  And, all I really do is get paid to manage time, organize, and put up with things other people are not willing to put up with.  

For example, there is not a large crowd of people you know that are kicked at work, or bitten, or peed on, or had someone smear snot on them, or get puked on, or had to explain to one of their flock that we don’t just make a high-frequency sound because we want a different event to occur, or had someone just look you directly in the face and scream for a solid five minutes or longer (One. Sound.)

But, did you get to throw marshmallows at sticky hot cocoa art today that smelled and looked like winter? Did you get to play good music and get paid to talk about why it’s awesome? How about write and make music? I did.  So, yeah… the other stuff can happen too.  And, it is all kinds of levels of insanity when it does.

But my asylum is fun.

Don’t worry, I’m raising my own children to be awesome, little creative people who really care, as well!  Music is Life.

*Collaborative art made by 30 2 & 3-year-olds using butcher paper, white tinted glue, multiple tints of white of yarn, coffee filters, paper towels, cotton balls, paper plates, bubble wrap, styrofoam pieces, and paint chips.  We talked about shades of white, and how textures feel as we made our friend, and then read “Polar Bear, Polar Bear What Do You Hear?” to tie our new classroom friend into literacy.  We heard, saw, and felt a lot of things!*

Schooled: Successfully Handling Failure

It is incredibly difficult to teach young children being a naturally critical person; that did not stop me, however, from believing in myself.  I am an intelligent, patient, loving mother who genuinely thought I could “do it better”–teach my children better than any shady public school system.  I have never been more wrong about anything in my entire life, and I am totally OK with that.  In fact, I consider this a great success.

I had a belief and I gave the best effort I could–given the circumstances.  And, to be honest, I didn’t do a horrible job.  My little girl is one smart cookie, she loves to learn, is kind and generous, shows a genuine passion for many things, and is shaping up to be a fine member of society.  She loves to donate things she no longer needs/uses, volunteer, read to her little brother, share with others, pray for those less fortunate (specifically orphans), and loves animals.  Her favorite places to be are church, the library, or the dance studio, and she loves fresh fruits and vegetables; dare I ask for more?  Yes!  But, not from her–from me.

So, I’ve been known to rant.  And, I love to preach about diversity because it is incredibly important to me that my children grow up to see beyond color, creed, sexual orientation, gender association, money, and everything else that people choose to hate.  The idea of my children one day bullying another child or being intentionally offensive or abusive to any being is honestly one of my greatest fears.  And how can I teach them tolerance best?  Stories of oppression?  Regurgitating facts in the hopes that they will get just as mad as me?  No.  I have to let go and let God.

If I want my kids to believe that people are innately good, then I have to show them that I trust other people.  I have to practice what I have been preaching.  But, it is more than just giving them a diverse group of leaders in their lives.  I always thought of school somehow slowly replacing me as my children’s source of logic and beliefs, but really I am the one guilty of trying to replace their education with more of me.  First of all, that is admittedly selfish; but it is also just completely illogical.  I cannot be a replacement for school (that is not to diminish the value of plenty of successful homeschooling families), but I can be a fantastic supplement.

The problem with the school system is not solely on the fault of the schools (it’s mostly political anyway); it just so happens that today (with so many budget cuts making it a more crucial time) parental involvement is more important than ever.  It is not enough to just send your child to school and expect them to learn everything that has been presented to them; you have to follow-up.  I’m sure some people would read this and think, “well, duh!” But please allow me to just frankly say, it’s not that simple.

I believed I could do a better job than the school system, and in a perfect world–who knows, I might have been right.  But my life has not been perfect, and the homeschooling opportunities that I wanted to be a part of I found myself unable to attend.  Homeschooling is not as easy as some people might think.  Helping your child while they are learning to read is one thing; teaching them from scratch all by yourself is really challenging.  I found myself expecting my daughter to know things and being frustrated with her if she had simply forgotten.  My preconceived expectations of how my daughter should be doing severely hampered my ability to be patient–making me a mean teacher sometimes.

Is that really what is best for my daughter? For my family?  Constantly criticizing is not a substitute for teaching.  Don’t get me wrong, we celebrate wins way more than we dwell on bad days; but, I don’t want to see things progress (or worse, regress) in this manner.  And, I guess I could be disappointed in myself or even embarrassed that I was just completely wrong. But quite the contrary– I’m over the moon excited for this revelation.  Being wrong is crappy enough, but being wrong and continuing on anyway is lunacy–and just plain stupid.  So, I choose to be happy about this failure because my child will be all the better for it.

I tried, I failed, and I am really OK with it.  At least now I have not sent my child to a school for two years (very likely being a harsh critic all the while) with the nagging feeling that I could do better.  When she starts school this August, I will know that I did my best, and she will continue to get that no matter who lays down the knowledge foundation.

X, Young, Zombies

So I fell behind on my posting for the A-Z writing challenge partly because I’ve felt ill and partly because the letters X & Y both suck for music.  There are a few songs that start with X, but none that I found worthy of a lesson so the only thing I could think of was a xylophone.  As fascinating as the xylophone is, it wasn’t.  I found a few good songs that used the instrument, and we have a xylophone…but nothing worth really writing about.

For the letter “Y” I thought about the Yardbirds, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and settled on Neil Young.  Neil is a folk legend who has such a beautifully distinctive voice.  I grew up listening to my dad and his best friend play “Sugar Mountain” and “Long May You Run” on their guitars.  I remember watching The Last Waltz several times with them and grew quite fond of the song “Helpless”.  So, Ashlynn has heard her share of Neil Young, but she has really only just met him.  I added “Heart of Gold”, “Old Man”, and “After the Gold Rush” to her library and we will continue to listen to more.

As we came to the close of our alphabetical fun, the letter “Z” took me to a few possibilities.  I could use Ziggy Stardust and properly enter the world of David Bowie (he seems to make his way into our lessons whether I try or not), ZZ Top is also an excellent choice, but I decided to end things with The Zombies (I am a big fan of the British Invasion).  We listened to only three songs because I am honestly worn out from so many lessons (keep in mind, I also homeschool….this is not replacing teaching my children, but rather has served as a supplement).  She heard “Time of the Season”, “She’s Not There”, and “Tell Her No”.  My daughter seems to be a pretty big fan of the British Invasion as well now.  I can’t wait to share some more music with her from that time, and then bounce around the past and present with her as we explore new songs for her ears.

Wilco

Wilco is one of my most favorite bands ever.  I put them with the likes of the Beatles and am completely comfortable in saying that.  Ashlynn knew that Wilco was on the way after making our way to the letter “W”….she knew because she knows Wilco. She has, quite possibly, heard more from them than most any other band.

The first time I heard Wilco was when my brother told me to buy an album entitled Yankee Hotel Foxtrot.  He gave me the long backstory and the September 11 myth, but those stories were not what sold me on the album.  The album sold itself; as I listened to it from start to finish…somewhere between “I Am Trying to Break Your Heart” and “Jesus, etc.” I fell in love with Wilco.  I immediately followed-up with acquiring Summerteeth; “A Shot in the Arm”, “Nothing’severgonnastandinmyway(again)”, and “How To Fight Loneliness” sealed the deal of a long term relationship for Wilco and me.

I did get to see Wilco in concert sometime after the release of their Sky Blue Sky album (which holds an incredibly special place in my heart).  I have favorites from all of their albums, but Sky Blue Sky has such sentimental value that I think the kids have heard from that particular album the most.  Ashlynn’s familiarity with the album explains her favorite songs, “Either Way”, “Sky Blue Sky”, and “What Light”.  I think the album’s brilliance stems from songs like “Impossible Germany” and “Hate it Here.”

Overall, the girl has heard a lot from the Wilco library, but there is still so much for me to cover…no complaints here.

Vampire Weekend

Vampire Weekend was an easy pick for the letter “V” because I often find myself listening to them.  I couldn’t exactly play my favorite song, “Oxford Comma,” for Ashlynn on account of the repeated f-bomb, but she has heard it long ago when I would drive and turn down the song at the appropriate points.  I’m a little too lazy for that currently so I went with safer choices.

I have often played Vampire Weekend around the kids, but I never realized that I failed to mention the name of the band. Telling my six-year-old little girl that the band we would be talking about is called Vampire…anything….was amusing to say the least.  “Vampires?  I don’t want to listen to vampires. I don’t like vampires.”  As if she knows some vampires that she just does not approve of and this would go against her beliefs.  Cute.  At least I’m not dealing with a Twilight obsession where she thinks the band will somehow make her closer to Edward.  OK.  Fine, I admit it…I did like the FIRST movie…but just the first.

Anyway, Vampire Weekend is just good music…and they have a modern, alternative sound that was a nice change of pace for us.  Ashlynn decided to use her lesson as an opportunity for all of her dolls to dance.  It was adorable, good times….listening to beautiful music while my girl provided visual entertainment and commentary per usual.  She seemed to favor songs from their self-titled first album (she has likely heard that album the most), and I think “M79” might be her absolute favorite because of the “crazy violin.”

“Oxford Comma” aside, I would say “The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance” is still my favorite.

Uptown Funk

For the letter “U” I decided to go with the energetic hit from Mark Ronson, featuring Bruno Mars that is “Uptown Funk”.  If you haven’t heard it by now and seen at least one non-official YouTube video featuring the song, I would venture to say you’ve been living under a rock.  I don’t remember the first time I heard it, but I do remember the first video I saw… and it was not the official music video.

The first video I saw was a project led by high school drama teacher Scot Pankey from Dallas, Texas.  A. Maceo Smith New Tech High School is a project-based school and when their drama teacher asked his six classes to put something together in three weeks, they really delivered.  It took me back to being in high school drama and having the best of times.  It just made me smile to think that all of those kids participated in something that made headlines, and all because of the joy bubbling within a high school theater teacher… we should all be so lucky.

So, enjoy the video if by some miracle you have yet to see it… enjoy it again if you have already seen it, and enjoy your weekend!

Tom… Wait(for it)s

Ok, so the blog world needs to understand that I operate within a different time zone…I’m always “late” with my entries because I get the most done between 11:00pm and 5:00am.  That being said, I should operate a day in advance to combat that.  I do try… I just have this problem called kids and they’re incredibly time-consuming.  I am great at planning and poor with execution.  Honestly, I’m just super proud of sticking with this as closely as I am.  In my head, I deserve a gold star…. or maybe a cape; I’ve always wanted a cape.

Today we dove into brilliant music from Tom Waits.  My kids have heard the album The Heart of Saturday Night during many car rides and know it to be a jewel of mine, so they definitely recognized his voice.  “Fumblin’ With the Blues” is one of my most favorite songs.  I was beyond excited when my Joel decided to join us for the lesson.  He really loved the sound of Tom’s voice.

When I started them off with “Tom Traubert’s Blues” I wasn’t too sure of how they would react, but I was just so pleasantly surprised to hear Ashlynn describe his sound as “so beautiful”.  Tom has such a rich, deep, raspy sound… for her to hear the beauty meant so much to me.  They wanted more, so I indulged.  From there I put on “Innocent When You Dream (78)” which prompted an excellent conversation about the unique sound.  “What’s a Victrola?  Is that what you used to listen to music on?” Ashlynn wondered.  My kids think I’m ancient…. at least I still think it’s adorable.  I showed her some pictures of a Victrola online and then realized that I’m, at the very least, old at heart because I would love one of those…swank.

I moved way ahead and played “Alice” next because it was actually the first song from Tom Waits that I ever heard; the dark and delicate sounds made me crave more.  We listened to many more songs:  “Anywhere I Lay My Head”, “Day After Tomorrow”, and “Big in Japan” to name a few, and ended things with “Hope I Don’t Fall in Love With You”…so beautiful.

All in all, I would call our adventure with Tom Waits a huge success.  I love that my kids are not just constantly saturated with pop music to the point where they cannot appreciate quality sound.  They make their mama proud.

Swing… kids…

I let my husband (officially 9 years today, Happy Anniversary to us!) pick the focus for the lesson regarding the letter “S” and he did a pretty solid job.  He chose swing music and because the music is really all about the dance, there was so much fun to be had.  When I think of swing music the first name that comes to mind is Benny Goodman, so that is where our journey started.

It was adorable, I put on “Sing, Sing, Sing” and at first Ashlynn was asking, “is this all?” But as soon as I went to change the song a minute too early she stopped my hand and said, “No! Let it finish, it makes me want to dance.”  How can this music not put a smile on your face?  After Benny, I put on some Duke Ellington and she really liked that; “It Don’t Mean a Thing” completely embodies swing music.  We listened to a little Glenn Miller, some Cab Calloway, and then we went a little more modern.

I put on some Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and Brian Setzer which she absolutely loved.  I even put on “Zoot Suit Riot” (because it is an awesome song) by the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies and had my first encounter with refusing to say the name of the band to my child.  I never really thought about it before, but that is just a seriously offensive name and she is six, so she knows the song…and that’s enough.  I’m clearly not one for too much censorship, but I wouldn’t exactly want her repeating that band name at church.

Anyway, in the words of an amazing film you’ve probably never seen… “Swing Heil!”

Rapper’s Delight

(Pictured above = Gil Scott-Heron: The Father of Rap)

 

For the letter “R’ I was quite ambitious and really naive; I chose the genre of rap music.  I grew up in a house where my dad often told us that “rap was just missing the ‘c’ before the ‘r’ and that crap isn’t music.”  He was just an old man already set in his ways and unwilling to open his mind to anything new.  I’m proud to say that my brother and I resisted and listened to whatever music we fancied.  Sure, it was all mainstream but that is really what you could get in the 80’s and 90’s….whatever was on MTV, VH1, and the radio….we loved it all.

Rap music is fun….and to be clear, it is music.  It wasn’t incredibly easy to introduce the genre at first….I had to find clean pieces.  It is true that a lot of rap music uses bad language and has terribly crude stories told within, but I was able to find some gems of the past and present to share with my Ashlynn.  I am so glad that I did and so mad at myself for waiting this long!  My girl was loving the vibes.  It was like I was with a different child.  She started to learn hooks and sing along and it was 1. adorable  and 2. so much fun.  

I started her off appropriately with a little Sugarhill Gang, MC Hammer, Kris Kross, and eased her into some Beastie Boys.  I found some clean versions of some Eminem songs (“Lose Yourself” was pretty clean to start with and some of them are just plain hilarious for me to hear the “clean” version).  Will Smith was an obvious choice as his music is pretty clean…and fun.  I should have recorded the reaction to the “Men In Black” video because….it was priceless.  When the alien started dancing….I thought my kids were going to bust a gut with laughter.

Honestly, this took so long to post because the lesson went over several days and I just could not stop.  Coolio, Vanilla Ice, Common, Tag Team, Snoop Lion (yeah, Lion), Outkast (Hey Ya!), A Tribe Called Quest, and so many more artists kept the fun going.  I ended things by watching all of Jimmy Fallon & Justin Timberlake’s “History of Rap” installments.  Good times.